Grateful

Last night, on a whim, I went into the city with David and Ashley.

It's funny...I was reminded of how I always felt about Suhail's prayer groups. When I would first hear of them, I would get so excited and adamant about wanting to go. Then an hour before and up until I was literally sitting in Suhail's living room, I would think, "This is so stupid. Why did you want to do this? You don't know any of these people. This is awkward and vulnerable and crazy. Why are you here????? You should have just stayed home and read a book or hung out with people you're comfortable with."

I read a post that Butz put on xanga recently...about relational anxiety that's weird and unexplained, but powerful and detrimental. I get the same thing. I don't want to feel this way, but I always get scared before social situations, especially if I don't know the people I'm going to be with or if I haven't seen them for awhile.

I felt that way last night, and I was regretting my decision to go, but knowing myself, I had a pretty good idea that it would turn out well in the end. I don't know that I would call it a fun time, really, but I was glad I went.

I miss the city. Not because it's attractive, but because it makes me more myself.

Since I stopped doing CET at the end of sophomore year, I have spent a ridiculously large amount of time in the suburbs. I stopped going into Chicago for ministry once or twice a week in exchange for working in amazingly nice subdivisions in Naperville and Wheaton two or three times a week. I noticed the change in my attitude and happiness almost immediately when I came back from China. I felt more cranky, more dissatisfied, more...suburban.

Then I forgot about it. Now I spend about 50 hours a week working in really nice areas, far from the crowded, dirty city. People I work for have Hispanic cleaners come in once a week. I always wonder how they feel cleaning for rich, white people who waste so much. And I work for nice people. Good people. I wonder how much worse it would be to work for mean, rich suburbanites. Still, in spite of my ability to question the social order out here, I've become accustomed to nice, huge houses and easy comfort. I hadn't been in the city for so long until last night.

When we first got into Chicago, I felt uncomfortable. I even felt a little scared. The crowds of diverse people, the crazy city driving, the lights, the buildings packed close together...it all overwhelmed me. I felt so different from the way I used to feel going into the city. Before, I loved all that stuff. I thrived on it. Last night, I felt overwhelmed and reluctant. We walked into McDonalds to meet with the guys David and Ashley know from CET, and I felt so small and scared.

And then time passed. I started to remember. This isn't so hard. It isn't so weird. It's actually relieving to sit and talk to someone and ask them deep questions 15 minutes after meeting them. It's nice to get to know people who don't have everything they want whenever they want it...who get excited about Tuesday $5 movie days with unlimited popcorn. Because that's me...I'm not suburban. I've never had money, and I don't want money. Endless comfort might feel nice to my flesh, but honestly, it doesn't make me feel happy. Last night reminded me of that.

I was also so blessed by the example of David and Ashley. They know this guy, George. He's the most cantankerous old man I've ever met, and they said he was being good last night. If he hadn't been good, he probably would have made me cry. He's extremely critical and particular about everything. We agreed to take him to Walgreens to pick up some groceries and prescriptions and then to his apartment. Halfway through, I was ready to leave him stranded at Walgreens. David and Ashley were so patient with him, so willing to endure criticism, so willing to be nice and kind no matter how many hours we spent with him. I saw with new eyes what the gifts of mercy and hospitality are supposed to look like. It convicted, challenged, and encouraged me.